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'Til Death Do Us Part...
One Woman's Story of Facing the Reality After Clinging to the Dream

CHAPTER 15
(Part 5 of 10)

CONVERSING AT LAST

"Are you wanting spaces in our togetherness?" My thoughts came flooding back to my conversations with Mark about how much I needed a marriage that didn't require this.

"I don't know what I'm saying yet. I'm just trying to figure it all out. I know that the early stage of our relationship was important to me. It's gone, and I miss it. So, if there is a way to move past that, I'm really glad to have heard you say that you understand we can't possibly meet all of each other's needs. I know this isn't going to be easy for you, but let me tell you where you don't meet mine."

I braced myself. I wasn't sure I could handle hearing this. Maybe I just needed a smoother transition, something positive before we got into the negative. I didn't say anything. I couldn't think of how to propose that without being accused of trying to control his communication with me. I watched the feeling rise, crest, and pass through me.

"For starters, you can't meet my intellectual needs. When I want to talk about Socratesian philosophy or the Ebola virus, you can't. You're not interested. I need someone who can fill this need, and there is a guy that I went to school with who could."

I felt a twinge of hurt but let it pass. "So, go for it. I don't have a problem with that. I would love to see you reach out and have more male friends."

"But it isn't always male friends that I am talking about. There is a woman that I went to seminary with who could meet my need for spirituality. Sally is a sixty-year-old black woman, so I can promise you it isn't anything sexual. We are on the same wave-length spiritually."

The lowest blow of all! Why had I never heard of this Sally before now? I wanted to debate this in the worst way but I sat and watched it go through me before I spoke. If a former minister and a former nun, both with degrees in theology, can't find spiritual compatibility, what hope is there? "It hurts to hear you say that I can't meet your spiritual needs. There is a big difference between religious backgrounds and spiritual pursuits. I need to grow spiritually with the person with whom I'm in a primary relationship. That is essential to me."

"But, Rene, let's be real. We made all these promises about putting God first in our lives. We prayed a few times together, and that was it. And if we haven't done it by now, it isn't going to happen. I'm not very big on these phony prayer sessions. We don't share spiritually now, and we're not ever going to."

I was feeling so put down. His style of communicating is to make me wrong about everything. Nothing was being couched in what was good about us, only where we failed. Actually, what I was hearing was where I failed. And yet the content of his message was true. Except for family mealtime, we had stopped somewhere after the second year of praying together and sharing spiritual ideas in any depth. "We each pursued our own spiritual reading and personal relationship with God; we just didn't do it together. But now that it has surfaced and we are talking about it, I don't want to let go of this. It is too important to me."

"Yeah, you say that now when you think you are going to lose me. But it wasn't important to you before, or we would have pursued it."

"Mark, I want the chance to grow with you spiritually. If we can't make this a part of our life together, then as far as I am concerned, it is all over between us."

"Well, I don't want to plan on it in some artificial conversation. If it happens, it happens. But I'm telling you, you haven't met my needs on this level at all."

You mean we haven't met each other's needs. But we can change that...if we both want to. I want to. Why don't you? Why are you giving up on us? "So where do I meet your needs? In what areas do you see us doing well?"

"Actually, I'd like to hear you talk about this first."

"No, please, I need to hear what you see because I'm feeling pretty discouraged at this moment."

"Well, I think we do sex well together. That's one area where I have no complaints and could be happy with you, monogamously, for the rest of my life. I wouldn't need anyone else." He talked about this in great detail. I guess I should feel complimented. How many husbands would say this after nearly seven years together? But after the demeaning experience the night before, I felt anything but good about this. For me, our sex life could be better. I'm sure I'm not the only woman for whom it is all tied into the way we treat each other during the day or prior to our lovemaking time. That's what was missing; and without it, sex is hollow, devoid of the substance that drives it. I was afraid to broach this, so I chose to keep my thoughts to myself. "Is there anything else we do well together besides sex, or is that the whole basis of our relationship?" It was too late to take that back. I hoped it wouldn't sound quite so cynical. Apparently he didn't pick up on it.

"Yes, I agree with something you said earlier-we travel well together. And I think we entertain well together."

"Entertain?" All I could think of was the parties we gave at the house, and I couldn't believe that would be on his list of good things we do well together.

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